Social isolation has taken it's tole. Not being let out of the house has made everyone so sad, yet so happy. Being inside is dismal, to say the least, but it makes every time I go out grocery shopping that much better.
Everything is a double edged sword. Life threatening diseases make you appreciate life more; abusive past partners make you realize how important love is; losing a friend teaches you to let go; all of these dualities are overlooked too much.
When I thought I was going to die, I started writing. I documented every thought that passed through my mind with maddening fury, hoping it would imortalize me. I wished I wrote like I thought. I guess I still do. I guess I'm still trying to accomplish the same thing, only this time online and not on paper.
Over this past week, I haven't been able to contact many people, and definitely not to the extent that I would like. I spent a lot of time sitting in my own thoughts, bathing and soaking in every word that comes to mind. My mind is always racing, but no words come out of my mouth. To have someone understand me cereberaly is like finally having a real connection. Because of my lack of connection to the real world, many aren't able to reach me in a cerebal level, and vice versa.
I do have someone who understands my thought process and my actions and my every motive. We're not able to see each other, though. Our sense of humour is so niche because we've both experienced this social isolation, so it's hard for people to tell when we're joking. Maybe this is why nobody else was in our friend group. Our jokes have caused everyone to think that we're some sort of devaint drug fiends. Because of this, we have strict rules placed over our direct contact. We are only allowed to see each other under supervision.
We each seek understanding, so why is everyone so disgusted when two freaks find each other?
There's always been something beautiful about doing everything with one other person. This is why the concept of marriage was created. But apparently, you cross the line when you want to die together. We both share such strong values; you are the only ones who share these exact values, so you both engage in them together, not letting anyone stop you. Why do these shared moments and beliefs have to fade away? Why don't you share even your final moments together; die together. After all, it's the only way to show that your bond knows no bounds.
The media has romaticized double suicides and isolation for centuries, so maybe it's that what's talking, the media. After all, it's what everyone thinks is making the youth ill. Don't you ever think it's the youth's fault for constantly letting every single comment get to them? Don't they hold some sort of responability for their downfall?
Here we come back to that conecpt of duality. You're unsatisfied with your situation, so why don't view it differently? Why not be appreciative of what you have in the meoment, rather than letting yourself eat yourself away and wallow in self pity.