Ever since I was a young child, I knew I wouldn't make it to see 60. There has always been this nagging voice in the back of my mind, stating "live it up now, Kar. Because you know you won't have much time." and that is what I need to do. I've spent a lot of time sitting on my ass, doing buttfuck nothing and that stops now.
As soon as I finish my schooling, I am on the road. I'll be traveling and living off of what I can provide for myself. I want to search for something greater and experience something more and step outside of my comfort zone.
I want to die with no regrets, knowing that I have done as much as I can.
No matter what situation you throw me into, I can look on the bright side. I can handle it and I will climb whatever hill needs to be climbed.
I've seen some of my friends die. Azu, God bless her heart, is no longer with us and there are certain people I know who are lost causes. Eating disorders are brutal and will destroy you. I swear to fucking God, I will not succumb to it again. It can't be life without some pain and it may win in it's own way by never going away and manifesting in nostalgia and the smell of green tea and cocoa power, but I will never let emaciation kill me.
You only have 1 life, one chance to make things work, so get your fucking head straight. You are stronger than anything else in this world. Just keep pushing through. What do you have to lose?
I won't make myself miserable for a secure future. We are all put on this earth to learn what happiness is, and I will find it. I'd rather be dead on the outside than inside.
So yes, I may be viewed as a failure to others, but when we're on our deathbeds I will be the one happy. I won't have a second thought, wondering if I would have been happier if I chose something else. I will know I have done all I could have done, and that's really all I want.
How many people will be able to say they've felt truly free? I imagine not many. Whenever I climb to the roofs of places or just go on a jog, I get a taste of freedom. I always wonder what the full thing would feel like.
So yes, I am trading safety for freedom, but it's worth it. Fight and die for the things you know you love and do what you think is right. After all, it's your life, you can do what you want.